Sorry, I don't speak sober.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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