You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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