I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
