Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
