that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
