Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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