my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
