You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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