I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
