stop calling my apartment porn island.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
