I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
