The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
