I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
