if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Sober January is a disaster.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
