3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
