cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
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