If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Randomize
