Your dad touched me again.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
