I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
