Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
