i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
