90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
