Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
