you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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