I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
