Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
