I will die if light touches me.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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