We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
