He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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