I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
