are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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