She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
