a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
