I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
