i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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