No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
