I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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