Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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