just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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