All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize
