Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
