i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
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