I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
