I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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