We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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