I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
