Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
