God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Randomize
