Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
