At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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