those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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