You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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