He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
