I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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