I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize