remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
