You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
