if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
