i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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