I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
