My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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