I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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